False Widow Spiders: The Facts


THE STEATODA Grossa, better known as the ‘false widow’ spider, has become increasingly common here in Ireland over the last few years, with growing reports of people getting ‘bad bites from the little fuckers’.

But other than the name, what do you actually know about these 8-legged pests? Here’s some facts:

1) The false widow mates for life, with some being known to keep a ‘husband’ spider around for years. The fact that they are ‘married’ is where the false widow name comes from. It’s a ‘false widow’. Why else did you think it was called that?

2) Although the marital status of the false widow may seem cute, they cost the state millions every year in fraudulent single-parent social welfare scams.

3) Unlike other spiders, it’s 100% okay to kill a false widow. No bad luck will befall you. Kill them by the dozen, you’re grand.

4) False widow spiders have been known to lurk around lamps and bulbs, casting an eerie shadow of what looks like a much larger spider on the wall behind them. They’re pricks, is what we’re saying.

5) False widow spiders are nothing compared to what your pal who emigrated to Australia has to contend with every day at their job. ‘You should see the spiders over here mate’, they tell you over Zoom, while you try to ignore the fact that they’re developing a real Alf Stewart of an accent.

6) You can identify a false widow spider by their 8 legs and general spider-ishness. Look, it’s a spider. What are you going to do, let every kind of spider crawl all over you but put up the barricade for the false widows? If you don’t like spiders and you see a spider, stay away from it. You don’t need any further details, really.

7) Statistically, there’s a false widow spider in your hair right now.

8) People can lose up to 20lbs in one week by only eating the false widow spiders that crawl into their mouths while they sleep.

9) Speaking of which, false widow spiders are the most likely to commit suicide by crawling into your mouth to be swallowed to death. ‘The spider government is doing nothing to help these suicidal spiders,’ a spokespider said.