Private Sector To Spend Day Bitching About Public Sector


A PROPOSED 6.5% public sector pay increase over the next two years should be enough to keep the private sector bitter and unhappy for years to come, the Department of Public Expenditure is hoping.

“A ‘win’ in this situation is to have public sector unions dissatisfied with negotiations, public sector workers unhappy with their wages, and private sector workers so furiously jealous that they blindly lash out at everyone,” a source close to the government admitted.

“Inflation is looking like 9% at the minute so the 6.5% pay increase isn’t going to cover anything in the long run, but it’s more of a raise than those poor bastards in the private sector are getting so we can stoke dissent there and make everyone mad at everyone else, while ideally escaping without people realising that we’re the reason they’re unhappy. It’s delicate work, but I must say it’s very satisfying to see all the ‘what are they giving out about, it’s more of a raise than I’m getting!’ social media posts floating in”.

The plan appears to be working already, as evidenced by the opinions of some private sector workers we spoke to on the streets of Waterford this morning.

“If I went on strike, I’d be fired” said one man we spoke to, who wasn’t in school on the day they didn’t teach anyone about trade unions.

“That’s very nice for the public sector, already on cushy jobs for huge money and now they’re getting a rise on top of all that!” added another, despite large numbers of public sector workers being underpaid employees in low-level positions.

“The fucking teachers get ten months holidays a year, paid for! It’s their fault that the USC hasn’t been abolished!” shouted someone who we recognised from government buildings, before running off.