Terrorist Would Become New Al Qaeda Leader But Can’t Get Life Assurance Anywhere


RECRUITERS on LinkedIn are struggling to get candidates to apply for the recently vacated position of leader of Al Qaeda, it has emerged.

One candidate who was a good fit due to his previous experience in killing innocent people and being a religious extremist has withdrawn from the selection process due to the demanding nature of the job and lack of assurances over remaining alive.

“Fuck, it’s literally my dream job but if they’re not offering health insurance and funeral cost coverage I’m going to stay where I am,” confirmed Ali Ashraf, who had initially jumped at the chance to succeed Ayman al-Zawahiri killed yesterday in the twilight years of his terrorism career by a US drone strike.

“I offered to double my own premium but the life assurance firms, they flat out laughed at me, I just can’t make taking over work for me” added Ashraf.

Other candidates have echoed Ashraf’s frustrations.

“Before I go to head up a death cult known I’d need some basics answered. Do you get petrol allowance, discount on gym or other clubs, will you take out universal life insurance on my behalf so that when I’m returned to dust in a drone strike my wives are looked after?” questioned one terrorist, who was thinking it might be time for a career change.

Such is the worrying lack of candidates recruiters have resorted to contacting rival Shia extremists to fill the position in the Sunni Salafist jihadist organisation.

“Great salary, chance to travel and see the world. This outfit is the best is the biz but I’m really starting to fear we won’t get someone in, and I need that fucking commission,” confirmed one recruiter, shortly before taking to LinkedIn once more to moan about how nyoung people these days don’t want to work.