Irish Navy Down To Four Lads And A Raft


THE Irish Navy has become the latest institution to be hit by a staffing crisis, and has called for anyone with experience of being a crew member on any sort of floating device to step forward and enlist or failing that, anyone who isn’t allergic to water is ‘good enough’.

“Join the Irish Navy and see the Skelligs from the far side!” beamed the headline on the Navy’s recruitment poster, which was composed on Microsoft Paint and printed out by one sailor’s brother who owns a printer.

“Sail to relatively close-by lands! Live the life of a brave sailor with the nine other people we have enlisted! Garner vital seafaring expertise that you can then use to secure a better-paid job on a P&O Ferry or a pleasure cruise vessel, like all those other traitors that fucked off and left us so short-staffed. Join today!” it added.

Tasks expected from Irish Naval service people include:

– Taking care of the Navy’s only usable vessel, a raft made out of nine blue barrels lashed together with baling twine that requires draining after every half-hour.

– Keeping an eye out for Funghi around the south west of the island.

– Disproving the theory that all men look good in Naval uniforms.

– Generally just ‘being there’.

Meanwhile the nation has reacted with surprise to news that the navy is struggling, mainly due to not really knowing that we had a navy to begin with.