IN THE MARKET for a new job? WWN Business has you covered with sensible and often overlooked job interview tips for when you’re sitting down with your prospective new employers.
Recruiters are sick of the boring, same old preprepared answers – stand out by answering questions using interpretative dance or fire breathing.
Where do you see yourself in five years? Simply respond with ‘dead’. It’s mysterious, and strangely intimidating.
Do you have any flaws? ‘Is being flawless a flaw, well then I guess that would be mine’ – boring, predictable.
Why not try ‘I’m generally very weak of spirit and easily dominated so if you’re looking to exploit someone and work them to the bone without so much as a disgruntled sigh, I’m your guy’ – companies love this answer.
Show how much you want the job by murdering any other applicants who are waiting to interview too.
If conducting the interview over Zoom, be sure to click the keys on your computer as loudly as possible when you’re panic Googling an answer to a question – this way the interviewer knows you have excellent research skills.
Don’t wait for questions, flip the script and adopt the posture of the interviewer; why do they think they’d be a good fit? Are they worthy of having you in their building? Again, don’t stop there, ask them if their relatively high ambition is just a cry for the attention their parents never gave them as a child.
Are you presenting as part of the interview? Put it all in Comic Sans – show you’re willing to defy convention. Show your Powerpoint slides an old Gameboy. Sing your presentation. Abseil out the window when it’s over.
It’s poor form to rubbish your current employer but you want to stand out from the crowd, right? Go to town on those dumb dumbs and trash talk them into next week. Get personal, and make sure you shit all over their appearance. Your new employer will respect the scorched earth approach.
Cross and uncross your legs Basic Instinct style to assert your dominance but with a twist – you’re actually wearing 50 pairs of underwear.
Congratulations on your new job!