Pope Might Resign: Here’s The Contenders To Replace Him

AS RUMOURS swirl about Pope Francis’ imminent resignation from his position as God’s PA, WWN casts our eyes over his possible successor.

So readers are aware we have not considered any women as we feel presenting the church as open and equal enough of an organisation to see women as equal to men would have been deeply offensive to the church:

Cardinal Secretary of State of Vatican City Pietro Parolin

One of the bookies favourites. At 67 he could inject some youth into the Church’s leadership.

Baby Yoda

Basically dressed like a monk already. Cute and cuddly so will really help shift the merchandise in the Vatican gift shop. Also has killed significantly fewer people than the Church.

John

He’s a sound lad, dependable. Never misses Sunday mass, so why not? Dishes out the communion when needed at a rate of 40 tongues per minute.

Sam Allardyce

Sometimes what a team needs after taking a punt on a temperamental Argentine is some back to basics Catholicism. The old reliable. Punishment, shaming and 4-4-fucking-2.

Shut it down

Go out on a high. Think of the great cultural touchstones that knew when the time to quit had come; Fawlty Towers, Breaking Bad and The Beatles. Although, the Church probably has little assets of value they could sell off and donate to charity in an act very much in keeping with their teachings.