Drugs In Ireland: Do We Need A Return Of Guards Visiting Schools & Telling Kids One Joint Will Kill Them?


IRELAND’S drug problem among the youth can only be tackled by the scariest ‘scared-straight’ programme of all time, according to a new government report on the worsening crisis.

“We’re hearing about kids that have only started secondary school being exposed to heroin. We’re seeing dealers walking up to people’s doors selling drugs. We’re seeing cocaine in Moate, for fuck sake, Moate!” pointed out a member of the new anti-drug taskforce.

“We used to send a local guard to schools with a twnety spot of hash, giving lectures to kids about drug safety. Now it’s clear we need the most absolute blood-and-thunder-bastard garda you’ve ever seen, holding kids hostage in a portacabin for an afternoon, showing them pictures of meth heads while telling them if they even look at an ecstasy tablet sideways, they’re dead”.

Asked if successive government’s failure to tackle the systemic issues around inequality and deprivation had anything to do with drug problems, a black cloud descended over the meeting and the issue was quickly shut down.

“It has been proven that the only way to tackle drugs is blanket prohibition combined with tactics that target lower-class citizens while terrifying honest decent people away from even trying drugs in the first place,” explained our source, without providing citation for any of this. “Kids will be taught that drugs are for criminals, which will definitely stop them from ever experimenting as no child would ever look up to someone making thousands every week while doing very little work for it”.

The anti-drug taskforce’s next move is to commission a multi-million-euro anti-drug advertising campaign that kids will ‘really relate to’.