Man Books Hearing Test, Eye Exam After Watching ‘The Batman’


THE home release of the latest movie adaptation of DC superhero Batman has resulted in a spike in appointments of eye and ear tests, with people such as Waterford man Peter Dunlan ‘convinced’ there must be something up with their hearing and eyesight.

“I watched that thing for three full hours and couldn’t make out a word of dialogue,” said the 33-year-old, who hadn’t expected his senses to fail him this early in life.

“No matter how loud I put the telly, it all sounded like mumbling. And as for my eyesight, well, that must be on the go too. Everything was just dark and muddy, I could barely make out Batman at all. In fact, I’m not entirely sure he’s in this fucking thing at all”.

While people like Mr. Dunlan have complained that either they’re going blind and deaf or movies are just way too dark and mumbly these days, others have come forward to defend the decision by movie studios to make every second film inaudible, while also praising actors that substitute whispering for ‘good acting’.

“Well of course if you’re watching The Batman on a TV, you’re not going to be able to see or hear it,” scoffed one cinephile we spoke to.

“You need a complete home cinema set-up with a 7-speaker array, all calibrated to cinema standards by a specialist… and of course, you’ll need to view it in total darkness to avoid screen glare. You’re still going to get moments where the sound goes from inaudible dialogue to ear-shattering gunfire, but that’s what you have to endure to fully appreciate a piece of art such as The Batman. These aren’t just noisy blockbusters designed to sell toys, you know”.

Meanwhile a sneak peak at The Batman 2: Batmannier has been released, although some believe that the 3-minute clip of total blackness and silence may just be trolls taking the piss.