Ed Sheeran Losing Ground In West, Doubles Efforts To Maintain Control Of Dublin

ANGRY scenes have erupted in the bunkers deep below pop megastar Ed Sheeran’s house today, after reports that trains to his shows in Ireland had been cancelled due to lack of demand, signalling an erosion of his stranglehold on the nation.

“If we are losing travelling attendees from Cork, we must strengthen our grip around the neck of Dublin!” boomed Sheeran, following a tweet from Irish Rail about the service cancellations from Cork to Heuston for this weekend’s gigs.

“But sir, staging gigs in Thomond Park and Pairc Ui Chaoimh was always going to thin out the number of people who would attend the Croke Park shows, you must understand this,” offered one aide, before being dragged away to an uncertain fate by members of the SS (Sheeran Security).

Undeterred by the cancellations, Sheeran expressed confidence that Ireland should fall to his rule sometime in the next 12 to 18 months, adding that his allies at the top of Irish media have come ‘too far’ to let him fail now.

“I’m one more Toy Show appearance away from owning this country,” boomed Sheeran, moving little ginger men around a map of Ireland spread out on a table.

“Half of the nation actually thinks I’m Irish to begin with, so I have that going for me. Even the most ardent of White Ladder fans knew David Grey was Welsh, but with me they think I’m one of their own! Nothing can stop me!”.

Meanwhile, Irish Rail have announced that the trains are ‘back on’ for the gigs this weekend, after a sudden purchase of hundreds of tickets by someone going by the name ‘E.Sheeran’.