Gardaí Unveil New Giraffe Unit


AN GARDA Siochána has unveiled a new giraffe unit which will be rolled out nationwide from today, WWN has learned.

Over 1,200 giraffes broken in by expert giraffe trainers will be deployed across Ireland giving gardaí a better view over ditches, gates and walls in crime hotspots.

“They look great, don’t they?” a garda spokesperson said unveiling a sample mounted giraffe in Waterford today, “we’ve even mounted little cameras on their heads and can see for miles around. There’s so many related crimes that can be thwarted by a garda from the comfort of their giraffe”.

“Crowd control, protests, Temple Bar, messing on the top decks of buses – this will change policing for the better. From this height we can see people dumping their drugs on the sly that bit better too”.

The €3bn roll out is now expected to cut crime by 0.03% with hundreds of gardaí already applying to join the new Garda Giraffe Unit.

“Now they see it, every garda wants a giraffe and we believe this will be a stunning success,” the garda spokesman added, “imagine breaking into a farm and seeing a giraffe’s head running towards you like stilt-mounted chaos. How we didn’t think of this before is beyond me”.

However, some animal rights campaigners have lambasted the new unit, claiming that taking giraffes out of their natural habitat for this purpose is cruel and doesn’t make any sense.

“Seriously, what the actual fuck are they at?” one small minded opposer pointed out, “think of all the overhead electrical cables in rural Ireland and the fact that giraffes are notoriously clumsy bastards with zero use to anyone apart from trimming leaves and branches that are hard to reach”.