Dublin Airport Advises Passengers To Arrive Exactly 97 Minutes & 47 Seconds Before Their Flight

DUBLIN Airport Authority has issued a set of strict guidelines to help ease congestion at security lines, until they can fill the dozens of roles they themselves vacated over the last year.

These new rules include:

– Passengers should arrive at the airport at an incredibly specific time; not too late, not too early. This is to avoid people causing congestion for others by showing up too early for flights, but also sidesteps people panicking about missing flights by leaving it too late. As a guide, DAA recommends arriving somewhere in the 97-98 minute region. Anything else is guaranteed chaos.

– Prohibited items such as liquids, sharp objects or flammable devices must be segregated from carry-on luggage before reaching the security gate, to ensure a smooth transition that will keep the queue moving. However, DAA asks that at least one passenger in every 35 be a complete moron who only realises he has a cigarette lighter and a litre of vodka on his person after passing through. This obstruction will create enough of a halt to allow members of security staff to go on their breaks. Again, one dunce too many or one dunce too few, the whole system crashes.

– Each passenger is required to bring along one unemployed person who is willing to work for DAA for low pay, shitty hours, no benefits and on the absolute edge of the city, who has a clean Garda assessment on their person and is ready to start work immediately. Because otherwise, none of you fuckers are flying today, is that understood?