Changes Elon Musk Will Be Making To Twitter

NOW the proud owner of 9.2% of verbal diarrhea production facility Twitter, Elon Musk isn’t wasting time putting his own stamp on the company now he’s on the board of the social media giant.

Here’s everything Elon Musk is set to do to Twitter, defying critics who thought the experience of being on the app couldn’t get any worse:

T&Cs on using Twitter will now include liking and retweeting everything Musk tweets.

Edit button – this will come in handy if you’re prone to falsely accusing people of being paedophiles on Twitter because they made fun of your stupid little submarine ideas.

The driverless tweet option will allow an AI designed by Musk to tweet on your behalf. An early bug in the algorithm has led to 60-tweet threads containing only the n-word.

Every time Musk tweets Twitter will make an applause sound just for him.

He will reinstate Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

Every user is required to produce one Rick and Morty meme a week or face an automatic ban.

A famed champion of free speech any user mentioning the fact Musk was sued by the SEC and was fined $20mn for tweets in which he claimed Tesla had secured funding to go private will be banned. Mentioning the SEC called these tweets false, misleading, and damaging to investors will also result in a ban.

When a new female user joins Twitter they will automatically receive an unsolicited essay via a DM explaining why they’re wrong. About what exactly? Everything.

Also mentioning how Musk talking about potentially starting a rival social media platform to Twitter may have driven the stock price down before he went on to purchase the stock, and how this sounds very ‘legally shady’ will result in a ban too.

Uploading pictures of Musk before his hair transplant – automatic ban.

Musk will set up an invite only section of Twitter called ‘No Snowflakes Allowed LOL’.

The introduction of a button that looks like the ‘circle game’ circle made by your thumb and index finger. If you look at it, Musk reserves the right to go around to your house and punch you.

One of the perks of buying a stake in a company is getting to claim you invented it, as Musk has achieved before by convincing everyone Martin Eberhard and Marc Tarpenning didn’t create Tesla. Tweets naming non-Elon Musk people as the founders of the company will be automatically unsent.

People with random letters and numbers at the end of their user names like @Bubble3456d06fg will be forced to stop using the names of Musk and Grime’s children as their Twitter handles.