Local Man Will Still Be Looking For One Last Drink At 6.05am Under New Nightclub Hours

A LONG-awaited reform of Ireland’s outdated licensing laws may allow nightclubs to stay open until 6am which should be more than enough time for the majority of sessioners, but not Waterford legend Marcus Dennehy.

“Ah yeah 6am, but they’ll still give you a round of shots after it for the road if you talk right to the barman, surely,” said 28-year-old Dennehy, who has never adhered to the words ‘last call’ in his entire life.

“And then after you leave at 6am, is there still going to be house parties, cans on the train, things like that? Granted, we’re getting an extra four hours or so in the nightclub itself, but that’s club drinking. You need extra-curricular drinking after that, no matter how long it lasts. It’s ‘wedding rules’ – even if the thing goes on ’til four in the morning, you still have to head to the residents bar. It’s the law”.

Although the extended hours have been welcomed by many, drink-obsessed clubbers have voiced the following questions:

• Will chip shops also be open at 7am in the morning to allow for post-club kebabs? If not, what are drunk people expected to do, go home and burn the house down? More clarity is needed here.
• Are rickshaws being ordered to stay outside clubs until 6am to facilitate the purchase of pills and coke under these new laws?
• Have nightclubs accommodated for the extra influx in aul lads wandering in after the pub closes, who may suffer cardiac arrests while trying to dance to Mr. Brightside at 5am in the morning?
• Four extra hours of revellers on an Irish dancefloor will leave it stickier than Spider-Man’s feet. What will happen in the event of a fire if dancers find themselves rooted to the spot by spilled Red Bull?

If you have any further concerns, please leave them in the comments.