How To Expel Your Russian Ambassador & Cut Gas Reliance, A Lithuanian Guide


KEEN TO find out about the complex, intricate and time consuming red tape it must have gone through to expel the Russian ambassador and end Russian gas imports, other European nations have asked for Lithuania’s expertise, guidance and knowledge on such things.

“Sorry you want a ‘guide’ on how to do this, I don’t understand? Step one: you just do it” confirmed Lithuania president Gitanas Nauseda, who has expelled the Russian ambassador following the incomprehensibly inhumane war crimes committed by Russian forces in Bucha, Ukraine.

“Why are you saying ‘But what about gas prices? Fuel rationing?’ C’mon, in war time fuel rationing isn’t tough, you should try being handcuffed, raped and shot – Ukrainians would swap places without instantly. Fuel prices? You self-absorbed…” trailed off one Lithuanian official for a country who, unlike Germany, knew the distinct difference between talking and acting.

“OK, we’ll give you this advice we had a multi-year plan to ween off Russian gas, in much the same way you Irish have a plan to stop your financial services sector being used by Russia to launder money… right, you have a plan like that? Please say you do?” added an incredulous Lithuanian minister for energy Dainius Kreivys.

“Again, we can’t stress this enough – it really couldn’t be simpler, you just kick the ambassador out,” confirmed Lithuanian officials, growing tired of questions from other EU nations which sounded a lot like excuses to stall for more time.

“You did what?” President Nauseda said of the Ceann Comhairle’s move to invite the Russian ambassador to the Dáil, where Ukrainian refugees would also be in attendence, to hear Volodomyr Zelensky speak via video link tomorrow.

Fearing they sounded somewhat light weight and spineless, Irish politicians then pointed out how might rename a street outside the Russian embassy after they hold a plebiscite which is subject to a further vote and maybe an appeal.

“C’mon guys, we renamed the street outside the Russian embassy a month ago, this isn’t really that hard,” offered Lithuania, burying its head in its hands.