“The Mad Bastard Has Nukes” Why NATO Is Refusing To Enforce No-Fly Zone


WITH UKRAINIAN President Volodymyr Zelensky renewing constant calls for NATO to implement a no-fly zone across the embattled nation, officials have defended the North Atlantic Treaty Organization’s decision not to, pointing out several obstacles in their way.

“This demented cunt is as mad a hornet’s nest in a hurricane – he’s not afraid to use all 6,000 of them at once,” a nervous spokesperson for NATO began, “seriously, we know the only thing that makes him madder than being short is having a democracy for a neighbour, we don’t want to irk him any more than he already is, he’s terrifying,” adding, “our current strategy is hope and pray he stops at Ukraine and doesn’t start acting the bollocks in Moldova and the Baltic states, otherwise, God forbid, we’ll have to actually do something about it and that won’t go down well”.

Citing several factors while mimicking bomb explosions with his hands for affect, the NATO spokesperson reiterated that the annihilation of every non-Ukrainian on the planet as the organisation’s main deterrence for engaging no fly zone rules.

“No seriously, Vlad is tapped; he’s gone off the rails and we’d like to say we’ve some form of control over the region but we’re observers right now, like everyone else and just about as useful to the people of Ukraine,” he continued, “it’s kind of like we’re absolutely useless and obsolete really, sorry about that, but look, if this was the Middle East we’d gladly tear into the pricks”.

Compromising, NATO has agreed to continue holding big important looking meetings with world leaders in a bid to save face.