BORIS Johnson is said to be struggling with his retirement speech, expected today around lunchtime, with sources close to the outgoing PM admitting that Johnson is 'baffled' by what passes for a last straw around here these days.

"It's incredible to think that you can preside over a party that broke lockdown rules to have a piss-up the night before the Queen buried her husband and get away with it, but one MP who most people have never heard of grabs a lad by the junk in a nightclub and then boom, you're done," mused Arthur Cromford, a janitor at 10 Downing Street and one of the only people to still be standing by Johnson's side today.

"181,000 Covid bodies 'piled high' and he's fine. Setting fire to Northern Ireland, and he's fine. Pensioners sitting on buses all day to stay warm because they can't afford to heat their homes, food banks inundated with requests for help, Brexit revealed as being a pack of lies, shop shelves empty, billions in dodgy Covid contracts for donor," Cromford added before taking another deep breath.

"Banging everything that moves, trying to give mistresses cushy jobs, can't keep track of how many kids he has... and breezed past all challenges. Chris Pincher gets grabby in a nightclub, and Boris is out. It's like if James Bond reached the end of the movie and then got shot in the head by henchman no. 785. Unbelievable".

Meanwhile the Labour Party are set to capitalise on the chaos from the Tory side by making absolutely no gains in support, no headway in the polls and no significant change to the lives of struggling British people whatsoever.

"With the Tory's on the ropes, it's Keir's time to shine!" beamed Labour leader Keir Starmer, before spending ten minutes trying to push his way through a door marked 'pull'.

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