Fianna Fáil To Formally Adopt 12-Year-Old USC Charge


FOLLOWING twelve years of fostering the USC charge after his party predecessors went into labour with it in 2010, leader of the Fianna Fáil party and proxy Taoiseach Michael Martin has confirmed the government will be formally adopting the Universal Social Charge going forward, WWN reports.

“My, they grow up so fast,” Martin told the assembled media, reminiscing about his baby, now speaking to his pride and joy, “and to think there was a stage when we were contemplating getting the proverbial boat to England and terminating you, not my little Uni,” he added, now making pathetic goo goo gaa gaa noises at the imaginary charge.

Birthed at the height of the financial crisis in December 2010 by the late Brian Lenihan of Fianna Fáil to help shore up a huge hole in the public finances, the USC was born out of financial ruin as a temporary solution to what has become an ongoing failure in successive governments.

“What would we do without you,” Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe took over, cradling the USC under his tit, “That’s it, have a good suckle on uncle Pascy Whasky. Mmmmm someone’s hungry today, aren’t they? Yes, they are, really fucking hungry”.

Defending the continued upbringing of the nation’s red-haired stepchild, Donohoe dumbed down his reasoning while covering up the USC’s delicate little ears.

“The poor dear doesn’t remember his mammy the income levy and his daddy the health levy, so to him, and I suppose a large majority of the nation, he has no idea where he came from,” Donohoe explained, “now before you all start, that’s nothing to do with this government’s poor track record with supplying adoption information, it just means little Uni here will be staying with this government until you vote us all out in 3 years”.