Here’s The Crown The Queen Has To Melt Down To Pay Andrew’s £12mn Hush Payment


THE QUEEN is reportedly devastated at having to melt down one of her ornate and bejeweled crowns to pay for her son Andrew’s ‘definitely not a hush payment’ hush payment, WWN understands.

Andrew had reached an out of court settlement with his accuser before asking the Queen if she could increase his pocket money to get the British taxpayer to pay the settlement which prompted the Queen to melt down the crown pictured above and sell it to her nearest Cash4Crowns outlet.

For those unfamiliar with legal terms, an ‘out of court settlement’ is often used by famous and powerful people to avoid going to court with one notable example including infamous sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

The crown itself is worth precisely £12mn and was gifted to the Queen on the occasion of Her Majesty’s wooden jubilee by Count Orifice DuPont Inclement Weatherall IV of Alexandringham.

It is a highly contentious piece as strictly speaking the crown, previously on display at the V&A, was never technically the Queen’s to receive and by ‘gifted’ British royal historians mean ‘stolen during an unprovoked and bloody massacre’.

Sources inside the palace say they heard raised voice between Andrew and the Queen late into the night with the Queen remarking ‘this is the last time I melt down a crown in the Royal fireplace just to keep you out of sodding jail you lecherous, handsy, octopus-limbed idiot’ and ‘you’re ruing our meal ticket Andrew these idiot plebs fund everything and we have them convinced they should be thankful, fuck up again and it’s tunnel time’.

Elsewhere, the Daily Mail has halted all reporting online and printing of its physical newspapers until such a time it can conclusively prove this is all somehow that bitch Markle’s fault.