Sloths Secure HEPA Filter Contract For Schools


RELIEVED parents, education professionals and experts in air filtration have breathed a collective sigh of relief as the Department of Education are on the verge of rubber stamping the procurement of €62mn worth of Hepa filters for schools.

Despite the good news, some naysayers have expressed concern over the fact the contract for has been awarded to a logistics and procurement firm run by sloths.

“Alright, Christ, would you relax. What’s the rush?” confirmed Sammy, head of Swift Sloth Deliveries who, along with his team is loading trucks with Hepa filters at a rate of one a week..

“They’ll get out to schools when they get there and not a second sooner,” added Sammy, whose firm has no previous experience in procuring or installing filters but that shouldn’t be a problem.

The Department of Education said a separate contract for time machines for schools to send their Hepa filters through and back to October would be awarded soon.

“I would just like to praise the wonderful schools for the amazing drop in cases they will experience in schools over the Christmas period, which is down to my own fast acting decision making and nothing to do with schools being closed for the holidays,” confirmed Minister for Education Norma Foley.

Grant applications for filters funding will sadly not be administered by sloths and will be processed by the only know entity slower than sloths; the Irish civil service.