“We Didn’t Even Fuck A Pig’s Head”: Johnson Downplays Xmas Party

BRITISH Prime Minister Boris Johnson has rubbished claims that members of his Conservative Party government held a riotous Christmas bash last year at 10 Downing St while the country was in lockdown, stressing that none of the regular Tory shenanigans took place at all.

Johnson has insisted that the party (more of a mixer, really, a box social if anything) was perfectly within the guidelines that he himself had set out, and didn’t break the rules because:

– At no point did any Bullingdon Club-esque pranks or initiations take place, not even the ceremonial placing of a party member’s penis into the mouth of a livestock cadaver.

– No poor people were brought into the mix to be humiliated, ridiculed or forced to fight each other for a tube of Pringles, thus keeping the numbers down and the social distancing up

– Due to the bad press around party pal Ghislaine Maxwell, there wasn’t even a single underage person sexually abused.

– Look, he said there wasn’t a party, okay? What is it that you thick fucks don’t understand. Yes, there’s video of a showing government officials laughing about the party while clearly aware of the fact that they’re breaking the rules and yes, it did take place on a day when 500 Britons passed away from Covid-related illness. But no, you’re not going to see a single head roll over this so maybe just drop it and enjoy your miserable bread-and-dripping Christmas before we cancel that, too. Jesus, you people.