“Don’t Go To Things If You Want Things To Stay Open” Confirms NPHET

THE RECORDING Of 25,000 Covid-19 cases in the past week and a health service under constant and severe pressure has led to an update in advice from NPHET around socialising.

While not suggesting a return to restrictions for now, NPHET has urged people to stop going to reopened premises such as pubs, clubs, restaurants and various other businesses if they want those businesses to stay open.

“Crunching the numbers, and looking at the current modeling we advise if you want businesses to stay open and having the chance to earn money and avoid folding, avoid them like the plague we’re currently finding it hard to avoid,” confirmed a NPHET spokesperson.

NPHET then went on to unveil a new slide at the urging of Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly which displayed a crude cartoon of a man with the words ‘Nightclub Session Monster’ written below it.

“This is Session Monster, the most fear individual in Ireland. He is crazed individual who goes to nightclubs not once, not twice, nay three times but SEVEN times a week, and we believe he is solely responsible for all the Covid spread in primary schools across the country,” confirmed Minister Donnelly, cowering in fear as he looked at the slide from behind his fingers.

The government went on to provide further clarification that while everything is fine and the public are given the greenlight to socialise and enjoy the lifting of most restrictions, it was never the government’s intention for people to actually do any of that.

“This is all your fault,” confirmed the government to the public, shortly before it revealed it has discovered the existence of something called ‘antigen testing’ 12 months after everyone else.