Man Impales Brain With First Attempt At Home Antigen Test


A ‘READ the instructions and take your time’ appeal has been reissued by authorities as the use of antigen tests in Ireland becomes more widespread and an essential part of curbing the spread of Covid-19, with safety concerns being expressed after one Waterford man’s mishap.

“They were all saying it’s straightforward even an idiot could do it,” explained idiot, Mark Tilley, a stray swap visibly entering his nose and protruding out the back of his head.

“The worst thing is, I still don’t know if I’m Covid negative or not,” added Tilley, after a carelessly overeager attempt to make sure he wasn’t half-arsing the test, prompted in small part by his wife hovering over him to make sure he wasn’t ‘making a hames of it’.

“This is what we feared,” health experts confirmed, citing the well established research that a large proportion of the Irish public are complete eejits.

Tilley’s misadventure which will require lengthy surgery to reverse has led to calls to amend the self-administered antigen tests.

“For the Irish market at least. You can’t just describe something as ‘simple’ and presume that applies to Irish people unless your directly referencing their minds. Maybe send us on a 6 week intensive course. Have Zoom call support and visual aids and prompts,” enthused Tilley, before giving his spare nostril a go with predictably catastrophic results.

UPDATE: Another Irish man has presented himself at A&E claiming the sudden onset of chronic amnesia means he has no idea how the swap ended up lodged ‘down there’.