Queen Willing To Die To Take Heat Off Andrew

A SOURCE close to the Royal Family has reported that the Queen is ‘prepared’ to give up one of her lives in the hopes that the ensuing media furore will detract from the grilling her son Andrew is receiving.

As part of the billionaire elite that rule the planet, the Queen is allotted a number of life force orbs that will allow her to regenerate following death, and it is believed that by sacrificing one of these precious orbs she may help her third-born out of his ‘sticky situation’.

Prince Andrew is currently under investigation for sexual abuse allegations dating back to his time as a pal of billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, who also recently had his lives count reduced by one, although it is not certain if he did this by choice or not.

“There had been hopes that the recent story of the Queen’s ill health would be enough to buy Andy an out, but it seems that nothing short of another state funeral will do the job” said our Royal source today, who we met for lunch in a Pizza Express in Woking by sheer coincidence.

“And we do mean another, as Prince Phillip’s recent sacrifice of one of his life vessels did next to nothing to detract from the allegations against Andrew. Phillip is fine these days by the way, his being was transferred into a lab-grown duplicate and is currently living it up, waiting for the Queen to join him. Which she is considering, as it’s an easy way to both buy Andrew a bit of time and land Charles in the hot seat, see how he fucking likes it”.