DUP Long For Simpler Times Of Fighting Homosexual Cakes


A STRESSED out DUP leader Jeffrey Donaldson and his party fossils are said to be longing for the simpler times before the introduction of the immovable presence of the Northern Ireland protocol, when the hardest problem to solve was eradicating gay cakes.

“It’s much easier pretending gay cakes are the biggest threat to humanity than it is to sell the protocol as bad thing for the citizens of Northern Ireland when a lot of them realise it’s the one thing keeping the DUP from obliterating the GFA and all economic greenshoots available to them,” confirmed a DUP spokesperson after the drafting of a cross-party declaration opposing the protocol alongside other Unionist parties.

The declaration signed by the DUP, UUP, TUV, PUP and the two remaining members of TLC is set to have absolutely no impact on how Northern Ireland is viewed/ignored by the rest of the UK.

“Those were the days, huh? The Gay Cakes Wars we call ’em, I have my medal at home. Jeffrey actually met with an LGBT group the other day but that was just to make sure that weren’t putting in any orders with bakeries,” a misty-eyed Unionist remarked.

“It’s hell on earth frankly, we’re here in pure misery with food on shelves in supermarkets and ample supply of petrol at the forecourts, why can’t we be like the rest of the UK? We should tearing each other limb from limb in petrol station queues, it’s our right as loyal subjects of the Crown,” cried one DUP member.

The DUP’s mood was temporarily lifted by a visit from Prince William and Kate Middleton, who remarked that the Queen was being kind when she said of Northern Ireland ‘don’t visit that Godforsaken place, it’s the toilet where all other toilets go to take a shit’.