President Higgins Formally Asks DUP Are They For Fucking Real

THE Democratic Unionist Party has called for an Irish translator to be bussed in from the Republic in order to decode an official letter from the President of Ireland, although an initial glance has identified the phrases ‘invitation to an upcoming centenary celebrating the partition of Ireland’ and ‘stick it up your hole’.

“There are of course no Irish speakers in the DUP, but we’ve seen some of these phrases written on slogans around Northern Ireland for years, so we get the gist of it,” said a spokesperson for the Unionist party, amid shock and horror that the president of Ireland would refuse an invitation to the event, especially seeing how the Queen has no problems attending.

“So, we’re now seeking an explanation from the Irish premier about why he will not join us in celebrating the fact that it has been 100 years since the partition of Ireland and the formation of a rogue state on the island”.

While there has been no official comment on the matter from Aras An Uachterain, except for a bout of riotous laughter when the invite initially arrived, sources in Leinster House have let it slip that senior members of government are not happy with President Higgins’ ‘sorry, can’t, busy’ stance on the matter.

“We’ve advised the Brits we can be there any time that suits them and not to mind the silly President,” a source told us.

“We’ve also got the DUP a very special ‘Happy Partition’ present, so that they know there’s no hard feelings about the whole war thing, the murders and stealing of our land. It sounds like great craic”.

Sinn Fein were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy chanting ‘up ya boy Mickey’.