Coveney Delivers Latest Version Of Hacking Story From Bottom Of Hole He Dug


CHANGING his story more times than Elizabeth Taylor changed husbands, Minister for Foreign Affairs and Defence Simon Coveney is again clarifying the context around the text messages from Katherine Zappone he deleted, this time conducting a press briefing at the bottom of the cavernous hole he has dug himself.

“No it’s just we’re wondering if your phone was hacked; when? When did you alert the gardaí? How come we’re only hearing about the Minister for Defence being hacked now? And wait, didn’t you first say you deleted the texts to clear space on your phone which can easily store multiple millions of texts?

“And isn’t it sort of maybe illegal to delete texts if you were aware they were the subject of a potential Freedom of Information request?” assembled journalists shouted down into the hole at Coveney, who presumed blurting out ‘I was hacked’ would be the end of all this.

“Eh, oh yes I remember now, an older boy, you wouldn’t know him, he goes to a different Dáil, he asked for a lend of my phone, and generous soul that I am, I said yes and then sure didn’t he delete all my messages AND like that bikini picture from ‘2008 Spain Holiday’ album on Facebook belonging to my ex,” said Coveney, clearing things up.

Matters have been further complicated by Tánaiste Leo Varadkar releasing his own texts with Zappone, which contradict both his and Coveney’s previous accounts of what they knew about her appointment as special envoy, leading exasperated experts in Covering Your Tracks to plead with Coveney and Tánaiste Leo Varadkar to ‘get your fucking stories straight and stop embarrassing yourselves’.

“Oh and maybe when journalists submit Freedom of Information requests it would be super cool if the Department of the Tánaiste would actual share these texts instead of pretending they don’t exist,” added dozens of journalists, with a working knowledge of how government departments treat Freedom of Information requests in the public interest with utter contempt.

Elsewhere, the Irish public took to Wikipedia for an explanation as to when and why Irish politicians suddenly stopped resigning for resign worthy misdeeds or negligence.