Ordering A Non-Alcoholic Beer In An Irish Pub; A Guide

AMONG the most terrifying prospects in the modern world, and we include the impending threat of climate change or another Boyzone album in that list, ordering a non-alcoholic beer in an Irish pub is a pressurised experience like no other.

Thankfully we’ve made such huge strides in this country when it comes to alcohol in recent years that people only still face ridicule, endless inquiry and ostracisation if they opt to drink a 0% alcohol beer.

Here’s how to deftly order one without arousing suspicion/being chased out of town:

Whisper your order under your breath. Or better yet write your order on a piece of paper and hand it to the bar staff on the sly like you are trying to subtly rob a bank without anyone noticing.

Throw people off the scent by then pretending to down an invisible shot, loudly grimacing and shouting, as if you’d just downed tequila.

As a member of the bar staff reaches for the bottle of non-alcoholic beer, use the walkie talkie on your person to signal to your accomplice that it is ‘go time’.

Shortly after your accomplice drives a double decker bus into the pub you’re in, creating havoc and panic, quickly remove all evidence your beer is non-alcoholic, such as offending labels identifying it as such and pour into a pint glass.

Still not satisfied you’ve thrown everyone off the scent? Slur your words, become aggressive and begin telling racially insensitive jokes until you’re kicked out.

However, if you are an avid gym goer, who seeks to share this fact with as many people as possible at all times and bask in the admiration of others for your clean living and restraint, you may prefer this alternative method of ordering:

Clear your throat, grab a megaphone, and scream with the power of a dozen irate banshees ‘No! A NON-alcoholic beer, ZERO-alcohol pal, yeah. Hitting the gym first thing tomorrow! Can’t be filling my body with that poison. That’s NON-alcoholic now, yeah? Nice one!’