Dolores Cahill’s Simple Banana Nut Fruitcake Recipe


HI PATRIOTS. WWN Food has managed to get our hands on molecular biologist and immunologist Professor Dolores Cahill’s fantastically simple 40 minute recipe for one of our favourite pieces of confectionary, a beautiful banana nut fruit cake. Mmmmm delicious.

First of all, you’re going to need plenty of nuts for this cake to rise. In fact, large groups of nuts are essential for any fruit cake to stand out from the crowd so handpick them carefully. If this recipe is anything to go finding lower class nuts like peanuts are best to use and the easiest to get a rise out of. Feel free to use broken nuts too as these will help gel your whole fruitcake together. Yummy.

Now, no banana nut fruitcake is complete without going absolutely bananas, lol. Mash the bananas using a glossary of disputed scientific claims while maintaining a sense of intellectual superiority. Threaten the bananas with a citizen’s arrest before mixing them with the prepared nuts from before. This should intimidate the bananas into a mushy submission. It says here to call the bananas pedos until they turn dark brown before then insulting their colour.

Add some vague scientific claims with some fruit and a tub of vitamin D supplements to the mix. Stir well until the nuts from earlier are unrecognisable. Turn the oven on to 350 degrees for 5 seconds before putting your mix into a petrol coated baking dish.

Note: when your banana nut fruitcake is ready to extract from oven after 40 minutes, please do not use any oven gloves to take the dish out as this is actually more dangerous than using your bare hands. Rest the piping hot baking tray on your bare lap and eat using your melted fingers.

When finished, slap the baking tray against your face for several minutes, taking care to recite two decades of the rosary. To finish, donate €500 to someone, anyone’s latest ‘medical freedom campaign’ so they can do up their castle in Athy.

Voila, you fucking idiot, you’ve made banana nut fruitcake!