A Levy On Disposable Coffee Cups; Has The Government Just Solved Climate Change?


WITH just a handful of large corporations generating the vast majority of Co2 emissions and waste around the world, and water sapping data centres soon to make up 30% of Ireland’s electricity grid the Irish government have hatched a plan that may solve plastic waste, climate change and pollution.

“You have to pay more your coffee, this is on you guys” confirmed Minister for the Environment Ossian Smyth as the government unveiled their latest response to problems not created by the general public.

Measures similar to the levy have proven effective in reducing waste, leading the public to ask if the government thought of doing something similar for businesses pouring effluent into Ireland’s waterways.

“But that would punish big polluters for doing something they shouldn’t, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to simply put the expense on you, the average person who bears no responsibility for such things?” offered a Green Party spokesperson, still riding the high of passing the Climate Action Bill which will be ignored by future governments.

“Remember paper straws? This will be a similar waste-ending measure you will all grow to love,” added the spokesperson, swapping out a fifth mushy paper straw in his frappuccino for a fresh one.

The government has been accused of underestimating just how much ire the levy will generate among the public according to experts.

“This isn’t the dreary Ireland of old which was all pints and soda bread, these moany fuckers think they’re urbane, cosmopolitan coffee experts. There will be riots on the streets over this,” offered one expert.

Elsewhere, local coffee vans with awful pun-based names have thanked the government for introducing the levy as it gives them the chance to pass the cost onto customers and finally make the world’s first €10 latte.

Early indications are that the cup levy will not solve climate change but will lead to a record rise in smug ‘keep cup’ wankers.