Thousands Flock To Seaside After Forgetting How Shit It Is


AS the mercury soars and Ireland enters its second week of a sweltering heatwave, family after family have packed up their cars for a trip to the nation’s beaches, after seemingly forgetting the miserable, sand-covered time they had during their last visit.

“It’s a lovely day for it!” beamed one Dundalk woman as she brought her kids to Clogherhead, where they will soon be bawling from sun-lotion in their eyes, jellyfish stings and general sand-up-the-arse unpleasantness.

“This’ll be delicious for lunch!” grinned a Waterford dad-of-four as he prepared a wonderful picnic spread for his brood’s visit to Tramore, which in three hours will be inedible due to high levels of sand in everything.

“Ah, Dublin Bay. Absolutely no human sewage in this water!” enthused another parent, loading the kids into the car. “We’d better set off now if we want to avail of the ample coastal parking. I seem to recall last time that we had a bit of difficulty getting parked and it lead to quite a lot of tension and strife among myself and my spouse… but I’m sure that’s all been sorted since then. We’ll just jump into the hot car and head off, we’ll be lying back on the beach enjoying a sand-free, relaxing day in the shade-less sun in no time”.

Meanwhile Ice-Cream van staff have unveiled innovative time-saving plans to serve 99s already dusted with sand, and a flock of teenagers have been working tirelessly all weekend to bury broken bottles and half-burned rubbish in the sand to ensure everyone’s trip to the seaside is as horrendous as it usually is.