Ireland Gives The Place Last Minute Tidy As International Tourism Reopens


“JESUS, would you look at the state of the place,” a manic nation remarked as it puffed up every pillow in sight, upped the price of everything and tidied the beaches while giving it all another go with hoover in anticipation of the arrival of international tourists.

“Oh the weather? Ah stop, we got that auld sunshine yoke years ago, we hardly notice it now around the place,” offered hotels and guesthouses as they welcomed large numbers of tourists for the first time in ages.

As the last minute preparations continued Fáilte Ireland reminded the public in tourist towns to abandon all flat, neutral pronunciations of words and revert back pretending they’re in a scene from Wild Mountain Thyme.

“Ham it the fuck up people, we’re back to 24/7 begorrahing and bejaysusing at ceilis at the top of mountain by a stream of Guinness,” ordered a Fáilte Ireland spokesperson, as local councils figured out where to hide the homeless.

“I told you throw out that newspaper two days, the coffee table is a mess!” barked the nation again, at those not lifting a finger to help convince incoming Yanks and Europeans that Ireland is always this resplendent in sunshine.

“NO! Don’t touch that, that’s for locals only, that was a gift from our closest neighbours,” added NPHET as a tourist picked up and played with the daily Covid case numbers.