Meet The Policeman In Charge Of Wembley Euros Security

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A CAREFULLY coordinated effort by a substantial group of very intelligent English football ‘fans’, probably ex-SAS, who outsmarted Wembley security staff, police and Euros event coordinators or an explanation so scarcely believable it is the stuff of conspiracy theories?

Could unbelievably poor planning and incompetence combined with with an attitude of ‘they’re white so leave them alone’ to the reason for the ugly scenes on the day and night of the final? To get to the bottom of how thugs were given free reign of London we were granted an interview with head of police response, DSU Ian Buckells.

“We got footage in of a gentleman shoving a lit flare up his arse and we thought, woah there, hands off, that’s probably the prime minister, let’s go light touch with the policing,” Buckells explained shortly after tying both shoes together and going for a sprint.

“The guy sniffing coke? No, that a misunderstanding, I asked him ‘is that coke?’ and he said ‘no’ so that was the end of that. He asked for a lift to the disabled entrance to Wembley but he said the gate was bit stiff and could I give him a hand prying it open so he could get into the match, I said ‘yes of course’. Good community policing, innit?”

“Yeah sure people were kicking people in the head, throwing bottles, assaulting volunteers but what do you expect us to do about it, it’s not like these people posed a serious threat like, say, people attending a peaceful vigil for a woman murdering by a police officer”.

“I know a mastermind when I see one. They was a very clever group, and they clearly planned this years in advance, how else could they barge straight in with little resistance amid zero police presence? You’re not suggesting us police were about as useless as tits on a bull?”

“Fans tried to this same thing during the semi-final, so with that knowledge ourselves and security got together and said ‘what are the chances the same thing would happen again?’ Anyway, we’ll go back to the drawing board and certainly learn from our mistakes for the next BLM related protest, before forgetting these lessons again once the 2030 World Cup rolls around”.

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