THE Irish government’s latest attempt to get a deeply flawed Covid Cert system for indoor dining not working by next week at the earliest has been met with a mixed reaction.
Fully welcomed by those with vested interests because fuck it they will finally be open, here are the new indoor dining rules in full:
Those fully vaccinated can eat indoors as can any dogs belonging to your vaccinated neighbour’s son. This is effective from the 26th of July.
Well, no actually, the legislation hasn’t been fully drafted by the coalition and the opposition could table endless amendments, then there’s the legal challenges, so who knows when it will be from exactly.
Anyone who sweats profusely after tucking into a spicy Indian that keep ‘repeating’ on them will be barred from premises.
Unvaccinated staff working in poorly ventilated pubs and restaurants with no Co2 monitors will be able eat their lunch in the establishment in which they work. A move the government expects will earn them a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you are a Taurus but feel more like a Gemini, then you can dine indoors from the 26th of July.
Unvaccinated youths have laughed off the €2,500 fines which will be handed out if someone is found to have forged a Covid Cert, stating it’s more than worth it to once again dine indoors in a Supermacs.
Barmen are no longer allowed shout ‘are you right there folks’ due to the risk of spreading Covid through speech. They will now hold a flashing neon sign over their heads displaying the message.
Anyone who doesn’t tip wait staff as they risk their own health so you can eat a big boy meal indoors in a big boy restaurant will be shot out of a canon into a nearby wall.
If you had Covid and are recovered you too can dine indoors, if the HSE don’t get your cert out to you on time, pubs and restaurants will require you to produce your ‘fuck my life, just got Covid’ selfie you took at the time.
People aged under 18, who are accompanied by a vaccinated or recovered parent or guardian, will have access to indoor dining but can’t just be ordering chicken nuggets and chips in a restaurant. It’s the full 3-course meal and out you go.
Failte Ireland will publish guidelines on importance of effective ventilation such as increasing air flow, air extraction systems and the use of CO2 monitors, which thankfully is only 16 months late.
Under the new rules NPHET aren’t allowed to say ‘we told you so’ if indoor dining leads to an uptick in cases and hospitalisations.
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