How To Become A Tiktok Star, A Mountjoy Prisoner’s Guide

SO YOU’VE spent the last 5 years plugging away at your fitness/fashion/food page on Instagram only to amass 81 followers, and now to add insult to injury it turns out felons in Mountjoy with apparent access to Tiktok are better at this social media buzz than you.

If you’re stilted and awkward attempts at becoming the next So Sue Tadhg Fleming Me sensation are proving utterly useless, WWN can help. We’ve been in touch with Mountjoy’s best Tiktokers who dispense the ultimate tips and advice:

1) “Just be yourself, everyone else is taken. Like, take me, I could be doing the dance videos or duets but that’s not true to me. I was true to myself and everybody loved my shower stabbing dabbing vids on Tiktok set to the music from Psycho” – Andrew, Mountjoy resident. Tiktok followers – 12k.

2) “Ask yourself what’s your USP, your ‘unique selling point’? No point copying trends just so you can get the likes and views. What’s my USP? I used to be called ‘Cracker Coughlin’ on account of how my punishment beatings always involved cracking a rib or 6, but now I use the nickname to make myself stand out on Tiktok with my cracking egg tutorials from my prison cell sink” – Wayne Cracker Coughlin, Mountjoy resident. Tiktok followers – 284k.

3) “What’s not being done on Tiktok? Keep an eye out for a niche. Maybe go all politically conscious – maybe you could do a Tiktok on the fact that prisoners using a social media app gets more attention than a female solicitor being instructed to take off her bra by prison guards or face being denied access to her client. And what is it about this country that falls over itself defending such a demand? Shit, maybe I’ll do my next one on that” – Ro Phelan, Mountjoy resident. Tiktok followers – 37k.

4) “Sure they’re all buying likes, you wouldn’t know if have their followers are real. It’s better to have less followers that you know to are real and of a certain quality, and that’s why I personally threaten any friends or family not following me. How many people do you know? Get them all following you with a bit violence!” – Dylan Drucken, Mountjoy resident. Tiktok followers – 18k.

5) “Who knows how Tiktok works really, a video of me reviewing my prison grub like I’m Gordon Ramsey got fuck all views, but then a video of my farting on a sleeping guard got 100k. Your guess at how to master this stuff is as good as mine” – Tim Porter, Mountjoy resident. Tiktok followers – 41.7k