Fuck: Looks Like That Wedding You Didn’t Want To Go To Is Going Ahead

FURTHER easing of covid-19 restrictions from today will see hundreds of on again, off again weddings finally going ahead, wrecking the plans of thousands of invited guests who really didn’t want to go anywhere near them.

“That’s me down 500 euro,” moaned one Waterford man we spoke to, who is somehow among the 50 select guests at the wedding of some dose he knew from school, set to go ahead next weekend. “We got invited in 2019 and the date has been changed a half-dozen times, and we really thought we were off the hook, but no, they’re are going ahead with it with it anyway, and I’m vaccinated so I don’t even have that excuse. Thanks, NPHET, you complete dicks”.

Meanwhile, other eased restrictions from today have meant:

– events such as communions & confirmations are still restricted, leaving hundreds of children without the funds needed to buy a PS5

– international travel is still not recommended by the government, which means you can go ahead and do whatever you like as per normal

– the EU digital covid certificate is expected to be operational by the 19th of July, meaning it will almost certainly be up and running by sometime around Halloween

– there’s no limit on the number of people from different households that can meet up indoors, except if they do so in a premises that exchanges food and drinks for money, in which case there is a total clampdown for some reason

– people aged 18-34 will be able to receive the single-shot Janssen vaccine from pharmacists, thus granting older people the opportunity to complain about millennials having everything handed to them without earning it

Please note that while these eased restrictions are in place from today, they may not be in place tomorrow, with the government stating clearly that it ‘all depends on what you filthy mouth-breathers get up to over the coming day’.