Leaked Report Suggests NPHET Know The Type Of Bowsies You Lot Are


A POTENTIAL delay in the re-opening of hospitality services next week may have less to do with the Delta variant and more to do with NPHET knowing that the Irish are the type to go buck mad the minute they’re let inside a pub, a damning report has claimed.

“The higher transmissibility of the Delta variant is one thing, but a shower of lads from the midlands in a function room mouthing all over each other is quite another” read an email chain circulated among the media, themselves gasping for a pint as it is.

“While other countries in Europe have pressed ahead with opening indoor dining in recent weeks, Ireland should hold off until more people are vaccinated, because look, you know yourself, sure”.

The news comes as a further blow to the sector, although there’s still a glimmer of hope that the Taoiseach might still honour the July 5th reopening date, news of which is expected any moment now.

“The Taoiseach will let everyone know what’s happening on the 5th of July in a televised announcement on the 4th of July at around 11.45pm, give or take” said a stressed-out government aide, who’s had about enough of these business wners giving out to him.

“You all saw the NPHET leak, and look, you all know it’s true. We tried to get around it last time with that ‘substantial meal’ bollocks, which was just a way of slowing people down a bit and not letting them get too drunk too fast. Stop blaming us that you lot can’t be let out of the house”.

Contrary to NPHET’s fears, the nation has promised that they aren’t going to ‘go on a mad one’.