“Have You Nothing Smaller Than That?” Taxi Drivers Respond To €6.5mn Support Package


THE NATION’S taxi drivers have today responded to a recently announced support package by Minister for Transport Eamon Ryan for taxi, hackney and limousine operators, which is expected to be dropped off to the drivers more or less where it’s supposed to go, WWN can confirm.

“Have you nothing smaller than that,” remarked local taxi man David Kent upon hearing the news, “if expect me to break six and a half million euros and give you change then you’ve another thing coming, pal”.

The new package for Small Public Service Vehicles (SPSV), will provide the following funding:

  • €10k for each taxi driver that promises to never start conversations with passengers
  • A modest bonus if a driver doesn’t tut and roll their eyes to the heavens when an elderly customer reveals they only want a lift a short distance.
  • €5k for each drivers that don’t make racially motivated comments like ‘there’s the natives now crossing the street’. Sadly, passengers won’t be financially rewarded for not being racist towards taxi drivers.
  • An annual €2k budget for antiperspirant products
  • A clothing allowance for Michael Guineys style jumpers and trousers
  • €1k if their ‘you’ll never guess who I had in the car last week?’ story turns out to be a genuine celebrity with a reputation damaging story about them doing lines in the back of the car.
  • Limousine drivers will be rewarded if they decline all Debs parties bookings.
  • Retraining in how to absolutely lose the head when the cyclist in front of them obeys the rules of the road correctly
  • A reeducation grant on how to make sure drivers can intuitively pull over and kick out drunk passengers before they vomit all over the back seat.