Tradesmen Now Going For Millions On Black Market

HOMEOWNERS desperate for paint jobs, attic conversions and various other ‘few little bits’ jobs done around the house are parting with eye-watering amounts of money on the black market, according to a new report that suggests that a tradesman with the ability to tile could fetch as much as 1.4 million to do a downstairs bathroom.

“What we’re seeing here is pure and absolute pandemonium” said a spokesperson for the Irish Trade Association.

“People have been locked in their houses for nearly two years. In that time, they’ve either took on with laying a bit of lino themselves, fucked it up and need it done again properly, or they’ve waited until Covid restrictions eased to find someone to do the job and are now facing a 3-year wait. It’s a nixer market. People are charging whatever they like, and getting it too”.

Evidence of the cut-throat world of black market labour skullduggery was clear to us as we walked through Waterford today, passing people looking for handymen by whispering ‘know anyone that can move a light switch? I’ll pay top dollar for it’, as well as an ugly brawl that broke out when one man visited his neighbours house in a bid to gazump him for the lad he had laying a patio.

“We’d like to assure everyone that you will get your gutters cleaned as soon as possible” stated a stressed spokesperson for the Department Of Employment Affairs.

“If you could all just make sure to hold firm, and use tradespeople that pay their taxes, this will all sort itself out. Please don’t pay cash, we have a hard time getting our share of that”.

WWN would like to sympathise with anyone who currently has a sitting room that is a poxy colour, and we’d also like to put out the feelers for someone who could disconnect an old gas fire if you know anyone?