‘Desk Plants Are Now Overgrown, Strangling The Once-Bustling IT Department’: We Visit Ireland’s Unused Offices


“AMID the chaos of the Coronavirus pandemic, there is life. There is growth” our guide tells us, as he leads us deeper and deeper into what was once the accounts wing of an office that served some long-forgotten task.

“Over here we see a succulent plant, which pre-pandemic would have doubtlessly been killed by, let me see who sat here; Deborah, Deborah from HR. But now look at it. It has thrived on its own, without the meddlesome hands of middle-managers”.

Further into our tour of Ireland’s unused offices, the WWN team bore witness to entire new species of fungal entities that have sprung forth, after 18 months free from human interaction.

“Look over here, we’ve got a wonderful example of a new life-form springing forward from the half-full coffee mug that a supposed ‘World’s Best Dad’ left behind him when he was sent home in March of last year. He probably thought he’d be back in a week to drink it, but instead it has grown into this beautiful creation” we were told, as we gazed at a green-and-yellow Resident Evil style monstrosity that had swallowed an entire desk.

With the Covid-19 pandemic seemingly defeated and a return to normal life imminent, a senior biologist in the National Wildlife Association has called for beautiful nature preserves such as the one we visited to be protected, so that the flourishing flora and fauna contained within can continue to thrive.

“We have a responsibility to nature to not bulldoze into these offices when they re-open, and just demolish all this growth so we can loiter around doing fuck all work and chatting about TV we hate” said Dr. Andrea from the NWA.

“This is a gift back to the earth. Where once there were boardrooms, there are now badgers. Instead of blue sky thinking, there is blue sky, where a tree grew up through the roof. Given that nobody wants to leave their homes now that they realise commuting 4 hours a day to do the same work they can do in their houses was a pure insult to their lives, can’t we just leave these offices to the mice and rats and the meter-long killer bees?”.

Meanwhile the government has advised anyone who wishes to go back to the office to not only get their Covid vaccination, but to also get a tetanus booster as well.