Acting Like You Haven’t Been Travelling Between Counties This Whole Time: A Guide

THE lifting of restrictions across the country comes as good news to many, but poses significant problems for those who have been breaking rules since day one, and now have to act like inter-county travel is some sort of big relief.

If you’ve been breaking restrictions all this time, here’s a few pointers for how you can appear to be as elated as everyone else this week:

1) Inter-county travel

While many families are looking forward to meeting up for the first time in six months, you may need to downplay the fact that you’ve been dodging checkpoints and going where you fell like it since Christmas. So next time you go see your folks, be sure to post a pic of it on Instagram with a caption like ‘so great to see my Mam and Dad again!’, even if you only saw them last week. Similar rules apply to friends in other counties; a quick ‘gangs back together’ tweet will remove suspicion from the fact that you’ve been having cans in each other’s houses all year.

2) Hairdressers re-opening

As thousands begin the de-yetification process to remove 6 months worth of unruly hair, you may have to avoid questions about why your hair is pretty much the same length as it was in January. Rather than admit you’ve been visiting a barbershop sheebeen all this time, make some statement about how you ‘got the wife to do it’, or that you just shaved your head and it ‘worked out well’.

3) 6 people meeting up

Unless you want to invoke anger due to the fact that you and your mates were at house parties every week this whole time, you’d better act like 6 people from 3 households meeting up at the same time sounds like ‘great craic’, even if it doesn’t sound like half as much craic as the all-nighter you had in March when Derek gave 27 people Covid in one night.