5 Things The Liffey Sweeper Dredged Out Of The River On Its First Day

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A NEW rubbish sweeper boat designed to gather up plastics and other debris launched its maiden voyage on the river Liffey and it didn’t waste any time gathering up waste.

Here just a selection of things the sweeper removed from the capital’s iconic, filthy river:

1) Another Luke Kelly statue

An easy target for pranksters, graffiti artists and general arseholes, it turns out this statue of the famous singer is actually one of the 70 ‘decoy statues’ dotted around the city, designed to protect the real ones from desecration.

2) Fully furnished pub

Thought to have been discarded by an angry former publican, frustrated at the government as his pub has been shut for the guts of a year, offered little support. If it wasn’t a wet pub before, it certainly is now, haha. We shouldn’t laugh though as the owner was also sadly found inside.

3) Brian McFadden’s solo career

That’s where that went!

4) The famous Lost City of D

Long thought to be a fictional place or an overpowering figment of the imagination, the Lost City is said to have been populated by people whose mortgages and rent was a reasonable portion of their income, surrounded by other people who weren’t hotels. With many locally owned and operated business that weren’t driven out by extortionate rates. Legend had it there wasn’t a Starbucks in sight.

5) A fair amount of rubbish now in fairness

What are you lot at all, at all.

UPDATE: The Liffey Sweeper has been asked to keep an eye out for the Garda investigation into the findings of the Moriarty Tribunals, Funghi, the files the HSE kept on children with autism which an internal report says ‘don’t exist’, Shergar, Mayo’s chances of winning an All Ireland, the Irish cinema release date for Wild Mountain Thyme and the names of the Davy 16.