“You Created Me” Defiant Johnson Tells Britain

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RESPONDING to a report which suggests contracts worth £3.7bn were awarded to those with close ties to the Conservative Party and may have the faintest whiff of corruption, in much the same way urine soaked blue cheese left outside in 100 degree sunshine smells ever so slightly, PM Boris Johnson has defended his actions by staring down the barrel of the camera and telling the British public “you know what I am, you knew I would do this”.

“Don’t scold me, I am you. Your base desires. You can feign disgust but you’re in this festering greasy trough filled with dog shit with me. Own this. Texting a tax exiled billionaire? Ha, you don’t know the half of it,” added Johnson, although it was hard to hear him over the sound of a cordless Dyson vacuum running in the background.

“Public money? No, that’s money you’d waste if your betters weren’t in power to give it to their friends. I’m a no good liar who will debase myself and anyone to get ahead, what’s your excuse? All it takes is an accent and a shit haircut, you’d let me do anything to you,” goaded Johnson, who has confirmed there’s no need to look further into any this.

“And you’re actually angry at me and siding with a minister who resigned because I wouldn’t honour a pledge to make sure soldiers who committed murder in Northern Ireland weren’t prosecuted for murder. What a fucking country. The only thing more monstrous than my callousness is your gullibility and ignorance,” concluded Johnson.

“I hired someone who said institutional racism doesn’t exist to investigate if institutional racism exists, and look at you all out in the pub, let’s not play this game – we all know you’re going to vote Tory in the local elections in May. I disgust you? You disgust me,” added the PM, burning money in front of a homeless person live on TV.

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