THE LAST few days have seen well wishers across the country mark the 80th birthday of President Michael D. Higgins, but what do you know of our current president?

In an act of editorial malice WWN has probably broken some labour laws and dispatched an unpaid intern to gather 80 facts about the life and times of a politician held in high esteem by almost every person on the Ireland to mark his 80th birthday:

Despite only being 80 president Higgins was present at the Rising as historical photos from the time prove, he spent most of the action taking up residence in James Connolly’s breast pocket for safe keeping.

Higgins first joined Fianna Fáil in 1973 so see, he’s not so perfect now, eh?

Was the first person to call Bono a pox.

Born in Galway, Higgins served as Galway City mayor on two occasions.

Pathetic ‘banter merchants’ have suggested our dearly beloved president is a Hobbit, to finally put this stupid rumour to rest yes, Higgins got down to the last two for the role of Bilbo Baggins but was beaten to the role by Ian Holm.

Famed for his towering intellect Higgins is believed to be the only man who genuinely read Playboy for the articles.

When on an official state visit to Australia, Michael D Higgins was kidnapped by a kangaroo who made a getaway with the president in his pouch.

The resulting poetry ‘Contemplations While In A Kangaroo’s Pouch’ was a best seller.

Was opposed the introduction of the 8th amendment into Ireland’s constitution in the 80s, years before Fine Gael, under Leo Varadkar, invented the idea to Repeal the 8th.

Incidentally Leo Varadkar has been formally interviewed by gardaí in connection with his leaking of confidential documents to a friend. Not a Higgins fact mind, just a fact.

Sitting down for an interview with Ryan Tubridy to mark his 80th birthday, the president has infinitely more tolerance for boredom than the rest of us.

As Minister for the Arts he set up the Irish Film Board so you can send your Wild Mountain Thyme hate mail directly to him.

Michael D Higgins credits his good health with his intensive fitness regime with just fucking shredding it in his local FlyeFit.

Higgins released his first fitness video Ripped Like Mike in 1987, outselling exercise videos and DVDs from Jane Fonda and Davina McCall.

Higgins was forced to take a step back from public fitness work when he was found on Instagram trying to sell herbal tea to his Insta followers which gives you explosive diarrhea.

Pronounces it data, not data, and Dorset Street, not Dorset Street.

A serial inventor, Higgins invented the breakfast roll in a Spar in Athlone in 1981.

A serial liar, Higgins did not invent Riverdance despite his claims.

The president did however play a pivotal role in the unveiling of Riverdance to the world. On the infamous night in Cork, Michael Flatley’s personal assistant fell ill leaving the show in peril, however Higgins stepped in to apply baby oil to Flatley’s chest and the rest is history.

Oh God how many facts is that now? My hand is cramping.

Known for his love of culture, Higgins has been pictured at countless gigs over the years including those of Bob Dylan. Higgins is believed to be the man who shouted ‘Judas’ at Dylan when the folk phenom went electric.

Did this unpaid intern choose not to number these facts in the hope you couldn’t be arsed keeping count? Maybe. Will I miss the last train home if I don’t get this finished in the next 10 minutes? Absolutely.

His daughter Mary Alice Higgins is a senator in the current Seanad, but remember this isn’t deserving of a rant you always have about nepotism in politics and it being a closed shop for the elites you hate, because we like Michael D., don’t we?

A member of the feared Galway United Ultras, Higgins has at least a dozen scalps to his name.

Higgins is among the most popular presidents to attend the annual San Francisco PresidentCon convention, with people queuing for hours to get a signed autograph.

After becoming enraged by a long wait at the ATM queue one day, Higgins invented contactless. Higgins was overheard snarling ‘it’s a pin code not the enigma code you prick’ to the gentleman ahead of him using the ATM.

Over 91% of the Irish population reckon they could take the president in a fight which has led to the security around the president to increase tenfold.

Higgins love of Bernese Mountain dogs has possibly led to a fourfold increase in the price of Bernese puppies, thanks a bunch.

A staunch supporter of socialist values, the president has been criticised in the past for his support of Cuba and the Castro regime, but his insistence that ‘Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights’ is a good sequel is among his most controversial opinions.

At 80, the president now sustains himself on a diet of Seamus Heaney poetry for breakfast, the philosophy of Bertrand Russell for lunch, Beckettian theatre for dinner and Pose on Netflix for dessert.

Hands weak knuckles tensing, skin falling away from fingers to reveal the flesh that lurks beneath, what sort of a monster of an editor demands 80. EIGHTY. facts about anyone.

Dehydrated. Blurred vision. Is that you Mr President? Now don’t feed me to your adorable dogs!!!

The president is actually the great grand-nephew of Love Island contestant Maura Higgins.

Oasis v Blur? Higgins is clearly a Pulp man you philistine.

Started the ‘be careful, you know swans can break your arm’ rumour in 1971.

As minister for arts and culture, Higgins set up TG4 so you had a daily reminder on TV of how little you paid attention in Irish class. Wasted time. Can’t even speak of a lick of it now, can you?

Is a strong supporter of getting all the old episodes of Paisean Faisean added to Netflix.

As president Higgins has attended over 40,000 thousand commemorations and anniversaries, including laying a wreath on the site of the bloody Garth Brooks Croke Park Gigs Civil War of 2014. Here he is pictured laying a loaf of bread to commemorative when the nation lost its mind during the ‘Beast from the East’.

Was in the original Boyzone line up which made that infamous debut appearance on the Late Late Show.

An impassioned speaker on issues such as poverty, he doesn’t half go on, does he?

Has spoken in support of Gaza, which is why local man Anthony O’Neill just can’t stand him.

Higgins is a man.

He is Irish.

He is president.

No I’m not, YOU’RE the one running out of Michael D Higgins facts!

Definitely missed the train at this stage. Perfect.

Rules be damned, he would have let Nadine Coyle join Six.

Knows the identity of the RTÉ man who slipped on ice but guards his true identity with his life.

Higgins is always rabbiting on to people about how good The Wire, always pulls that superior ‘Oh my God you haven’t watched The Wire’ tone with people.

Briefly dated Elizabeth Taylor before settling down and marrying his wife, Sabina.

After a few pints is as likely as anyone to admit the auld poetry is a load of auld shite and he much prefers sitting down to a bit of Eastenders of an evening.

His father John was in the IRA, no not that one, the ‘good’ one.

Can someone send help, they’ve turned the lights off in the office, I think I’m locked in.

The technology is there to clone Higgins, have him live for centuries but those damn bureaucrats in the government don’t have the cajones to do it!

When an active member of Labour right up until they injected raw unfiltered austerity into the bloodstream of Irish society.

Was very much Team Aniston during the whole Brangelina furore.

In 2019 Guinness commissioned a special Michael D Higgins shaped pint which defied the laws of physics.

A highly articulate man of culture and resolute in his convictions, with strong beliefs and humanity for all, Higgins allows Ireland to lord it over other countries as if they were the ones who had a diverse array of interests and were well read. Imagine, we could have had Peter fucking Casey?

uck! uck! uck! the key is ucking broken, this makes things a lot more diggicult, oh no wait you can just copy and paste rom the internet you’re flying it again! Just go home Fiachra, no one is going to even read this far down. They’re not even paying you for this shit. No, no, journalistic integrity; hit the 80 and then walk the 5 hours home now that the last train is long gone.