Here’s Some Irish Houses For Sale For Under €100k, You Poor Sad Pathetic Pricks


HERE’S an article on cheap Irish property to satisfy those of you who can’t afford a respectably priced home, provided as an act of kindness in the hopes of balancing out all the unaffordable homes we’ve been paid to write about over the past decade.

We promise not to scoff at the following dwellings, despite the fact you can still barely afford any of them, you poor sad pathetic pricks.

2 Bedroom Terraced House Somewhere Inaccessible To Anywhere For €87k

Would you look at the fucking state… okay, I know we said we wouldn’t belittle these properties but wow, what a shithole, right? Surely, we can come up with something better and for less money than this ball of shite. Moving on.

2/3 Bedroom Detached Home In Driving Distance To Anywhere In Ireland For Just €99k

Well, at least it’s detached, we suppose. It also comes with detached windows too. Detached chimney detached electrical wiring from the grid, detached feelings of resentment when you’re looking at how much it will cost to refurbish this mess. Sure, once you’ve those windows in, you can recycle those timber boards and make some rustic kitchen units. Imagine the fun you’ll have creating. Just think of it as a blank canvas, you found in a skip.

1 Bed Detached Cottage Overlooking Some Ditches For €50k

We’ve had to do the old black and white desaturation trick here to hide the cow shit stained walls, but if you close your eyes really hard enough you can imagine this property teaming with life. Albeit microbiological life, but life none the less. It even has its own tree growing through its cracks. Cool.

4 Bedroom End Of Terrace Redbricked Family Home

Ideal for people who don’t mind homes with violent histories, this fantastic period property will set you back €150k and will make… ah shite, sorry. We’ve just realised this is way over budget for you. Far too big for your lot anyway. Ye’d only get notions.

5 Bedroom Country Manner Complete With Its Own Garage For €70k

Technically in Ireland, this Aran Island home is ideal for people who want to recreate the time and effort it took to build the Pyramids in Giza. Imagine all the fun in working out how in the name of fuck you’re going to bring all the materials needed to this barren landscape. Yes, it will probably take a lifetime and cost an arm and a leg to do up, but at least you’ll have something to give to your kids to sell off the moment you’re dead.

1/2/3/4/5/6 Bedroom Doer Upper For €98k

We’re pretty sure the beautiful red bricks alone would cost €98k, but seriously, don’t take our word on that. Yeah, it might seem like a lot of work, but just look at how sunny it is there. Like, do you even need a roof, really? This would make a great project for someone who loves camping and living in the great outdoors. You know the types. We’re sure this will be snapped up.

2 Bedroom Mountain Top Cottage With Own Windows For €76k

Now you’re talking. This is right up your street; however, the nearest street is about 90 kilometres away, but it comes with its own installed windows and original red door. Imagine the history attached to this place, and the solitude of being on top of one of Ireland’s highest mountains. This truly an amazing find. No need to thank us.

3 Bedroom Fully Elevated Prefab Home For €25k

This flood-proof property in Athlone is ideal the family on the go. Originally based upstream, why not enjoy the ride as seasonal flooding brings your family to a new field annually. This fully fitted mobile is highly recommended and we expect to see it go quite fast, depending on the current.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Unfortunately the estate agent you were dealing with has confirmed that someone else has come in with a bid which is 150k above the asking price. Can’t match that? Have you considered just starving yourself and putting money you normally spend on food into your savings?