UK Told To Stick Vaccinations Up Their Holes

UK delegates to Ireland are today trying to decipher where the Five Lamps are, after being told that there is where the alleged 3.7m surplus vaccination doses offered to Ireland should be delivered, along with another instruction that they declined to share with the press.

“Yes it’s frightfully odd, but we were giving the Irish instructions as to where on the arm they should insert the needle when administering the vaccinations, and they turned around and gave us an alternative, somewhat aggressive suggestion as to where we should actually stick them” said a spokesperson for the United Kingdom’s Benevolent Acts Committee, a seldom-used branch of the UK government that just does nice things for other countries out of nowhere and with no ulterior motive.

Although the vaccination rollout in Ireland continues to move at a slow pace, the decision to tell the UK to ‘stick their offer where the monkey stuck the nuts’ has been welcomed across the land, with most agreeing that it was better to remain in lockdown indefinitely than to owe a favour to the Brits.

“Don’t start doing us any favours” stated a spokesperson for Ireland earlier today into a large megaphone in Howth, pointed in the direction of Britain.

“We’ll be alright without it. If you think that a few miserable million doses of vaccinations, that we have no proof you didn’t spit in by the way, will make up for the shit you lads did last time you were here, forget it. Cram it up your arse and fuck off, kindly”.

Meanwhile Ireland will continue to look on at the lightning-fast speed of the UK vaccination programme as being evidence of ‘some sort of Brit trickery’.