“Remember, If We Ease Restrictions And It Goes Tits Up, It’s All Your Fault” Reminds Government

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AHEAD OF cabinet discussions on possible easing of restrictions from the 5th of April the government was careful to alert the public to the fact that if any negative impact is felt due to easing of restrictions in the coming weeks it will, as is tradition, be attributed to the general public.

“You may think you see people absconding from hotel quarantine we only set up 12 months into a pandemic. You may believe public health doctors who say the HSE IT system is less technologically advanced than a bag of rocks and makes it impossible to manage outbreaks of Covid clusters, but you would be wrong,” confirmed Junior Minister for It’s All The Public’s Fault, Brian Breena.

“You may be under the false impression the government could have acted differently before Christmas or in the summer when Covid was all but gone, but again, you’re mistaken, because whatever inadequacies, shortsightedness or failures we have unplanned in the coming weeks, we’ll be blaming it on ‘play dates’ over Easter, even though we reopened schools with absolutely no additional resources that could potentially limit the spread of cases,” added the minister.

Faced with the prospect of easing the 5km limit for exercise, the government is to take the rest of the day to brainstorm how to whip the public into a frenzy of finger pointing and blaming of marginalised groups.

“We will need the public to take up the baton and take judgemental pictures of people enjoying the nice weather – we can’t convince you this is all your fault on our own,” added the minister.

“And don’t forget that you’d all be vaccinated 50 times over if wasn’t for Astra Zeneca. Milk go sour in the fridge? That was Astra Zeneca’s doing. Boyfriend dump you? Astra Zeneca! The HSE potentially losing 600 doctors by July due to unworkable conditions? Astra Zeneca,” the minister continued showing no signs of stopping anytime soon.

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