Government Kindly Ask Public To Return To Living In Caves In Order To Hit 51% Cut In Emissions


DESPITE the overwhelming evidence that confronting large corporations is the key to reducing Co2 emissions, the Irish government has unveiled a slightly augmented measures in a bid to reduce emissions by 51% in the next decade as part of its Climate Action Plan.

Soon to be passed in the Dáil, the ambitious 51% cut in admissions in a decade will simply require every citizen to adopt the lifestyle of ancient cave dwellers.

“We all have to make little changes where we can, all that’s asked is that you give up all your worldly possessions and retreat to the cave, but remember – smokey coal ban” confirmed Minister for Bees Eamon Ryan while attending a ribbon cutting ceremony for a dozen large electricity sapping data centres.

“Where once you plugged in your iPhones and had radiators, now you communicate with the world via cave paintings and the reintroduction of wolves will allow for the production of loincloths but you will have to get wolves’ signed permission to skin them first. Easy, simple steps for all”.

Some skeptics say that a target of 51% reduction in emissions is pointless unless the biggest corporate offenders are the ones threatened with heavy fines and sanctions, while others reluctantly accept it’s all their fault.

“Bold Síle, bold! You should have known better than to ruin the planet,” local woman Síle Higgins self-admonished, angry she committed the ultimate sin, which outranks companies pouring endless tonnes of raw effluent into open waters for decades, that of forgetting to recycle her milk carton properly that one time.

Elsewhere, leading industry heavyweights and prime polluters have agreed to step up to the plate too and are happy to provide money for expensive TV ad campaigns which informs ordinary people it’s actually all the public’s fault.