World Dreading Inevitable Irish Covid Variant


VIROLOGISTS around the world are bracing themselves for the inevitable arrival of an Ireland-originated Covid variant, which is feared to be ‘almost certainly the most God-awful awkward bastard of a thing we’ve faced yet’.

Variants from the UK, South Africa and Brazil have already caused headaches for nations around the globe, and the WHO has stated that any nation that allows these three mutations to spread wildly in the community is sure to be the breeding ground for a real nasty new strain, prompting everyone in the room to slowly turn and look in the direction of Irish Health Minster Stephen Donnelly.

“We’ve been warned that any deviation from the recommended vaccination programme could give the virus the opportunity to mutate between first and second doses, so of course we’re going to follow those guidelines, more or less” said a spokesperson for the Department of Health, sweating nervously.

The department continued to shift uncomfortably in their seats when hearing reports that low-income workers in meat processing industries probably shouldn’t also be living in cramped accommodation as well, as that was ‘a guarantee’ that some new variant was about to spring forward.

“I can’t believe we’ll have the finish line in sight and then the fucking Irish variant will arrive, with 100% transmissibility, a high fatality rate, immune to all known vaccines and with a new side-effect that gives you Guinnness farts will arrive” sighed the WHO.

“The Irish flu, that’s what wipes out humanity. Who saw this coming? Well, okay, anyone who has encountered an Irish government before I suppose”.

Meanwhile the Irish government has rubbished the notion that any Irish variant will ever arrive, while the room began to fill up with the smell of Guinness farts.