New Retraining Scheme Unveiled To Help Ireland Learn How To Pub Again


The biggest retraining scheme every undertaken by the Education and Training Boards in cooperation with SOLAS is set to take place in the coming months as Ireland receives a refresher course in essential pub skills.

Aware that the public’s pub-based skills have all but evaporated during extensive lockdown, the government is set to meet the demand for retraining once seasoned drinkers in the event that pubs reopen in the near to medium future.

Among the areas in which the public will be retrained in include:

– How to secure a table for your mates even though they’re all late and people keep asking ‘can I take this chair?’ This segment will be taught by Israeli Special Forces.

– Nodding techniques to attract the bar man. Depending on the level of attractiveness of participants, those on the uglier side will be taught a high level of patience.

– Pissing all over the toilet seat. With people urinating at home for so long, many men will have completely forgotten how to hose down a pub toilet seat like they were trying to put out Californian wildfires.

– Practicing phrases like ‘when you’re ready’, ‘I’ve one in the pot’, ‘do you have a Samsung Galaxy charger by any chance?’ and ‘get your fucking hands off me, I’m grand’ will be essential in repubbing patrons.

– When permitted to have groups in rooms again, the course will carry out group assignments that teach people the correct sarcastic tone of wild cheering when a glass is dropped on the floor.

– Making best friends with someone in the women’s toilets is on the list too, women will, over repeat lessons, manage to formulate an incredibly powerful bond over a matter of 12 seconds over something as small as a dress or colour of eye shadow.

– Older trainees will be provided with a number of boring and offensive stories to once again tell uninterested people as they prop up a bar.

– In group labs session, the public’s nostrils will achieve full Guinness fart immunity via an air-administered vaccine which contains a small dose of the worst farts Irish pubs have ever been exposed too, building up resistance levels in the process.

– Bouncers will be given absolutely no training to get back to being ornery pricks to absolutely everyone.