Here’s What’s In The ‘Living With Covid’ Roadmap Draft No.4578

THE TAOISEACH took to the airwaves to get the Nation’s hopes down, and outline ‘Living With Covid’ version 4578, but just what’s in the plan?

Firstly, rather than quote a Hollywood movie like his predecessor, Taoiseach Martin chose instead to re-enact in full the scene from Misery where Kathy Bates takes a sledgehammer to James Caan’s ankles.

As part of the new ‘Living With Covid’ plan government ministers spent all day scribbling over the last pile of ‘Living With Covid’ leaflets, carefully adding the word ‘NEW PLAN’ in pen and changing the dates to February of this year.

Pubs and nightclubs are to be given dozens of new promises to keep them quiet before the government renege on them again next year.

The Pandemic Unemployment Payment is to be extended again, but its name will be changed to the Pandemic Alcohol Allowance.

Four million ‘Livid With Covid’ leaflets have had to be recalled due to the obvious typo and quoting dozens of annoyed people about how angry they are with being stuck inside for a year.

Five a side, road bowls and sulky racing have all been moved into the ‘elite sports’ bracket.

The Late Late Show Covid specials to be reduced to every second week.

Schools return from the 1st of March on a phased basis, dubbed the ‘Get The Little Shits Out Of My Hair’ protocol, many parents will now be able to do very little to no work from home, in total peace.

Vaccines for the under 65s will be hidden in various locations across the country in a nationwide Easter egg hunt campaign.

Normally criticised for his speeches, Martin won praise for quoting Albert Einstein when he said, “the definition of Living With Covid is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.

It is not clear if the latest version of the plan requires the sign language interpreter to continue wearing the EU flag as trousers on a permanent basis.

Alternative names considered for the latest plan included ‘Mutton Dressed As Plan’ and ‘Wait, So This Is Just About Schools Reopening Again?’.

An additional €10 million has been given to mental health services which will be spent in its entirety on leaflets announcing the additional €10 million investment.

By the end of June the government projects 82% of the country will have received their first dose of the vaccine, just in time for the next strain to mutate and start the whole entire lockdown process again for another 16 months.